Thursday, January 28, 2010

All The Single Ladies!!! He Better Put TWO Rings On It


A girl from another department where I work has the perfect family portrait on her desk. In the silver frame, she sits on the left, with a bright smile. Her man, handsome and broad shouldered is posed on the right, and squished between his parents rests a little, chubby toddler revealing teeny baby teeth. As I passed by her desk, I stopped, and with admiration said, “Oh, how cute! You and your husband have a beautiful son!” She sighed, and then said, “He’s not my husband. He’s my fiancé. Ha ha, yup, my fiancé.” She then held up a limp left hand revealing one small ring. And although she laughed, we both knew there was no joke. She had identified herself as one of the countless women out there who find themselves stuck in a purgatory of sorts- more than a girlfriend, but definitely not a wife. Perpetually betrothed. But why?

I’ve met quite a few girls who fit into the category of “wifey” but wish desperately to drop the “y”. Here’s one story:

Isis*: I mentioned Isis last year in a blog about dating drama. Unfortunately, she belongs in this story, too. Isis is beautiful, has a great job, attends college and has a precocious but sweet preschooler. She also had a boyfriend that seemed to have no problem living with her, going half on a baby with her, but strangely would not fully commit to her. During good times, they talked about getting hitched- her gown, the guests, maybe even an intimate ceremony on a beach at sunset. But during the bad times, the sun would quickly set on the wedding talk, and she found herself stuck in the dark unknown, making plans for a ceremony that never materialized. Isis knew the cycle: things would go well, but the minute she wanted to start solidifying the commitment he swore they had, his mood would switch. He’d be angry and defensive, tell her he was saving for her engagement ring, but since she obviously didn’t trust him, he should return it (Hmph… I always wonder how one can return an item not yet purchased, but whatever). She’d get angry, then sad, and finally felt as if she had blown it. Why couldn’t she just leave well enough alone? She almost had him… right?

For some ladies reading this, they see nothing wrong. Marriage isn’t for everyone, they may think. If so, this blog ain’t for you. If you’re happy Goldie Hawn-Kurt Russell-ing it up, more power to you. But so many women (and men) aren’t . (Although, I have to ask you, especially if you claim Christ as Savior, WHY? And don’t give me the “it’s just a piece a paper” line, either. If it was, you wouldn’t have thousands of gay people across the country fighting for something they could pick up from Papyrus.)



One of the best books I’ve read on dating recently (yes, duh, I know I’m married, but I’m always reading something) is Steve Harvey’s “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man.” In this book, he’s blunt, not sugar coating the truth. A man will treat a woman the way she allows him to. He gives these words of advice to lovelorn women:

“…If putting your requirements on the table means you risk him walking away , it’s a risk you have to take… All too many of you let the guy get away with disrespecting you, putting in minimal effort and holding out on the commitment to you because you’re afraid he’s going to walk away and you’ll be alone again. And we men? We recognize this and play on it, big time.” So how do women avoid getting stuck in relational purgatory? “Start by making the man be really clear up front about what he wants out of his life and his relationship with you." Set the ground rules- and stick with them.

But what about the women who are already stuck playing house- joint bank accounts, joint bills, even an engagement ring, but no “Save the Date” postcards? “...Men do everything with a purpose, and in the case where a man dates you for an extended length of time, or moves in with you, or gives you a ring, but still refuses to be pinned down on setting a wedding date? He’s doing it to lock you down… the only reason a man gets away with a lengthy engagement or holds off the proposal altogether is because his woman hasn’t REQUIRED him to set the date… It’s just plain dumb.”

This from a dude, ladies. Even a guy thinks you’re being a dummy. Your fiancé isn’t playing you so much as YOU ARE PLAYING YOURSELF. His solution: “…get some requirements and standards and enforce them” and set a wedding date. Give him a timeline, and if he doesn’t meet it and balks, you walk. Period. "Don't be the Baltic Avenue on the Monopoly board game- the one that anyone can just roll the dice, land on, and pay a couple of dollars to chill on without any obligations or worries. You've got to go to Broadway on the game board; make your man round the corner and land on the high end property- recognize that you're prime real estate that's for purchase only."

So, if you're desiring to tie the knot, make sure he puts TWO rings on it. The man who accepts the responsibility and will set and keep the wedding date is a real man. The man who sees you as "Broadway", as the prize you are. The one who "will make your house a home."

"After all, boys shack. Men build homes."



*This is her nickname; there will be occasions, from time to time on this blog when I will use aliases to protect identities. As "Dragnet" use to proclaim, “Names have been changed to protect the innocent.” Lol.

4 comments:

Joscelyne said...

Simply put, well-said. I agree with everything you said here. Women need to here the truth, even if it hurts. I as well, have meet too many women who fall for the "engagement thing" I even heard of "we are pre-engaged" which is completely stupid and a total fabrication invented by men who want to ply house and instead of investing in the property for a lifetime. My belief, if you’re too afraid to bring up marriage out of fear that you will lose him, then you never really had him to begin with.

Alisha De Freitas said...

"My belief, if you’re too afraid to bring up marriage out of fear that you will lose him, then you never really had him to begin with." So cold, but so true. At the very least, you have quick sand for the foundation of your relationship and it will collapse at the first sign of trouble.

Lol, and what in the world is a pre-engagement? I've heard of it, too. LAME!

SLC said...

Very well said. I know a few women that were finally able to get their reluctant boyfriend to the alter after bending over backwards throughout the courtship. Now they are miserably married to the wrong person. Things should flow easily. If a man says lets get married only after threats of celibacy or leaving, the wedding will be the beginning of the end of an already doomed relationship.

Think I gotta get that book now.

SLC

Alisha De Freitas said...

I definitely recommend it for men and women.

Marriage is serious, and yes, SLC, if a partner has to cajole, beg or deceive, then the couple is in for some hard times! A person can do bad all by themself!

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