Thursday, January 7, 2010

Ask FAR: Questions About Marriage


He he he. Just kidding. Sort of.



For some reason, people have been asking me questions a lot about marriage in hopes of getting good advice. I don't know how good it was, but I certainly did give advice. I think people see my glasses and believe I am wise, instead of just near-sighted, which I am. But I hope I have gained at least some wisdom and a whole lot of knowledge in my almost 28 years of life, and I don't mind sharing. So here goes!

Q. I have a question. I have a couple of friends who are married, and they refer to marriage as slavery! Lol, but seriously why do so many guys say it's so hard? Is it that impossible? I love my fiance, and we've had a great relationship the past few years. As long as she stays the same, it'll be great... right?

~Soon to be a Groom


A. STBAG, OK, first of all, that's like 3 questions, not one. But that's okay. Let's deal with each part separately. Your married friends are saying marriage is hard because... it's hard! I won't sugar coat it. Is it wonderful? Yes. Is it uplifting? For me, very much so. But marriage is hard because it requires work in order to maintain. It's not like you say your vows and it's all good until death do you part. Like anything with worth in life, you have to put in work. Even inanimate objects like cars require maintenance so they'll keep going.

However, marriage is not impossible. I think people today too often equate hard with impossible, so they'll look for a quick solution. Overweight? Pop a pill, drink a shake or suck the fat out. Want to buy cool stuff but don't want to save? Buy it on credit. Marriage stinks? Get a divorce. But you must remember, with Christ as the head and center of your marriage, all things are possible.

Lastly, I hate to break it to you, but no, your fiance will not perpetually remain the 25 year old you're about to swap vows with. Think about it. Were you the same EXACT person you were at 16? No, thank God. Proper growth requires maturation. What needs to remain is her core values, morals and character, and her commitment to God and you. Change can be good.



Q. My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of years, and we're talking marriage. We're pretty much engaged, but we don't want to make an announcement because we don't have a lot of money for an engagement party, let alone a wedding. The problem is, as Christians, we've been having problems with the whole no-fornicating thing. We know we're not supposed too, but how are we supposed to abstain if it takes so long just to get married nowadays? We're not living in Bible days, and our families aren't going to pay for a thing. Plus, my boyfriend has a load of school loans to pay off. What are we supposed to do?

~Money-strapped


A. M-s, I have a few questions for you. Are you engaged or not? You wrote "pretty much engaged". What does that even mean? And if you are engaged, why are you referring to him as "boyfriend"? I think you and your... um, boo, need to clarify where exactly your relationship is at. Has he actually proposed? Do you have a ring? You don't have to make a formal announcement, complete with space in the paper to get engaged- you do know that, right? Nor do you need to have an engagement party. These things are nice, but not requirements. And this might be shocking to you, especially in this culture of Bridezillas and Platinum Weddings, but you don't need a big wedding, either. A wedding does not make a marriage. Let me ask you another question. What do you REALLY want, a wedding or a marriage?

I hate to say this, but you sound like your priorities are out of whack. You're worried about a public show while privately, you two are sinning, stepping out of God's will. I advise you to stop and evaluate your heart, asking for God's guidance. Tell your... um, honey, to do the same, apart from you. Then come together and share. Ahem, and by come together, I mean just to meet up. You two need to stop the sex, which won't be easy. Do you have a Godly woman you can turn to for accountability? Does he have a Godly man as a mentor? Also, if you two, after prayer and evaluation, decide to marry, I strongly suggest pre-marital counseling. Marriage is hard, as I told STBAG, and you two will need help. If you think you've got money concerns now, just wait until you jump the broom.


Do you need advice and for some reason want to ask a four-eyed chick with no training in counseling? Email me at alishadefreitas@gmail.com.

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