Wednesday, July 28, 2010

For Colored Girls Who Are Up in Arms Over Colored Boys Not Marrying Them

Check out this story from Madame Noire:

"Ever since black men have been free to swirl without fear of being drawn and quartered in MOST states, we black women have clucked our tongues, shook our heads, and beat our breasts about “those” women taking our best men. We watch, mouths agape, as Tyrone peacocks around with Trailer Becky or Meth-Head Mary, and think, why her? She’s not even cute!

AND THEN, the coils in our hair tighten just a smidgen more at the nape when we watch a refined, educated black man who has never seen the inside of Folsom Prison (and knows no one who has), has no baby mammas, and makes a gazillion-million dollars run off with a Swedish nanny.

Just to rub a little more salt into the raw wound, a recent Pew Research Study comes out and airs the laundry with the poop stains and reports that 22 percent of black men (who say “I do”) marry interracially, while only 9 percent of their female counterparts follow suit. Damn, doesn’t anyone want to marry us?


It appears that the ongoing assumption that “rainbow men don’t want us” has been an attempt by some facets of the black community to dissuade black women from using all their options in the dating field. Well, that’s not entirely the truth: Boom Qui Qui with the basket weave and spandex, holding a package of red hot Cheetos in one hand and a glass of grape Kool-Aid in the other might get the pass-over.

If you are educated, upwardly mobile, like to read and go to museums, have no gold teeth or tattoos on your girlie parts that say, Ray Ray’s Bitch, chances are there’s a rainbow man somewhere, waiting for you RIGHT NOW.

Go check.

Not there yet? Well give it time: according to Larry Davis, Ph.D., Dean, Donald M. Henderson Professor, and Director, Center on Race and Social Problems at the University of Pittsburgh, rainbow men–especially the white ones–are quietly poaching our best and brightest black women. “White men are marrying high-end black women, while black men will date anybody.” (Now hold your rotten e-tomatoes, he said it, not me, although I personally think he’s a genius.)

To summarize: Dr. Davis, who happens to be a black, believes the double-digit numbers of black men marrying interracially is because, well…they’re not too picky. On the other hand, “white men have choices–if he’s going to date and marry a black woman, he’s going to pick the [crème de la crème]. When it comes to interracial dating, black people have always had to bring more to the table romantically,” says Davis.

From my own experience, this scholar’s notion has credibility. I asked my husband, who happens to be white, if he would have married me had I not gone to college.

He straight up told me: “no.”

That’s because interracial match-ups for black women have more to do with socioeconomic conditions. If you are a high-achieving woman climbing the corporate ladder, sorry to say that there’s not enough black men up there with you. Unless you’re willing to claw another woman’s eyes out to compete with the other 50 women fighting for those 10 black men, it just might be time to do what black men have done for decades.

On the plus side, your success makes you pretty attractive to a variety of non-black men. If you’re waiting for permission, consider yourself excused.

Christelyn D. Karazin is the co-author of Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate Mixing Race Culture and Creed and runs a blog,, dedicated to women of color who are interested and or involved in interracial and intercultural relationships."


Something new? Not so much. Here, the Lovings got all lovey over a half century ago.

To be quite honest, I don't see why it seems Black women stepping outside their race is such a hot "new" thing. I remember that movie with Sanaa Lathan came out a few years ago suggesting it was, and thinking "Huh?". Or when pretty little Zoe Saldana brought home Ashton Kutcher to her dad Bernie Mac the year before, it didn't raise an eyebrow for me. Why would anyone be waiting for societal permission at this point? Halle Berry didn't. Neither did Chaz, wife of Roger Ebert.

Robert De Niro's beautiful wife, Grace is Black. Lenny Kravitz is the son of the late Black actress Roxie Roker and the late Jewish television producer Sy Kravitz. Way back in the day, the late, great Lena Horne married for the second time to a Jewish musical conductor. And perhaps most notably, the landmark ruling of "Virginia vs. Loving", which struck down racist miscegenation laws across the U.S., was brought by Richard Loving, a white man, and his Black/Native American wife, Mildred.

And so as to not go on endlessly, I'll just briefly mention the mixed heritages full of Black women for such stars as reggae artist Sean Paul, journalist Soledad O'Brien or R&B singer Cristina Milian.

Over on the FAR Facebook page (if you haven't hit the "Like" button yet, please do), today I posted a link to a story on how single women should consider dating "down". Not that the guy should be a jerk, an idiot or a schlob, but women should look past the superficial to the real man inside. I hope that single Black women will do the same, no matter a man's race. They may just find themselves quite taken- by new horizons and a new man.


mizChartreuse said...

Amen! I'm Zambian and my boyfriend is about as cracker as they come (Irish, Polish, etc...but basically your average white guy) :)

I've dated mostly white guys and one Latino-- but what matters is how the couple connects! People just need to stay out of others' business instead of getting up in arms because someone's crossed a color line.

Alisha De Freitas said...

Miz, WOOHOO! I'm all about the mixing! I'm Black, Native American, Irish and Latin- if people didn't step outside the color lines, I wouldn't be here!!!

Sistergirl said...

I think most people date people on the same economic level. Our generation of Black men are spoiled and are playing video games, living in their mamas basement, so one can barely find them. If you want a Black man you will find a good one, if you don't think your worthy of a good man you will get what you desire.

People tend to marry people in their circle of friends or coworkers. All seven of my college educated friends married college educated Black men but we all hung out in college and were in similar fratnerities and sororities.

None of us seem to have had a problem we were all middle and upper middle class and hung in that environment.

I do not understand the problem of today's young sisters.

Alisha De Freitas said...

@Sistergirl, I think you're spot-on about the economic level. You're most likely going to attend similar functions, work at a similar level of employment and run in the same circles.

I actually met my husband at work. He's an IT guy and came to fix my computer. I got my Windows to stop crashing, he got me. ;-)

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