Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Fear of (Not) Flying

I'm in one of those moods this morning.

One of those "feeling some kind of way" moods.


I'm not sure why, but I think it's some latent disappointment backing up in me. I've thought over the past few days, and they were pretty good. Well, at least, pretty okay.

So why the disappointment?

Last week, with my CIDP behaving, and a desire to have mini-escapes and Starbucks, I headed out extremely early a few mornings. I went to a park, a train station, to walk around in the gentrifying neighborhood where my church is located.

  I snapped pictures with my iPhone of random things, and some, not so random.

I snuck into twenty-two minute long Catholic masses. Then taking a few more minutes for a picture and to light a few candles.

I stood outside this piercing parlor marveling at it's name. Wondering what I am mentally captive to.

But what goes up, inevitably comes down, and by Sunday, stupid CIPD had clipped my explorer wings, and I miserably grumbled from the ground that I should be flying again.

So, yes, my disappointment is steeped, like a soggy-used tea bag, in my physical limitations.

This reminds me of a devotion I read last week in the midst of soaring. It applies even more now.

Psalm 84. How dear to me is your dwelling, O Lord of hosts! My soul has a desire and longing for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh rejoice in the living God.

When I stop and listen to my heart I cherish the inarticulate currents of longing I find there—the yearning for what is beyond the life I have settled for, the inconsolable ache for something I was made for and that will not stop haunting me.
In an earlier generation John Cheever wrote short stories for the The New Yorker. I have lived very far away from that world he inhabited, where he knew inside and out the rivulets within the heart of Manhattan life. Cheever once reflected in an interview: “The main emotion of the adult American who has had all the advantages of wealth, education, and culture is disappointment.”
Today, thank God for the yearning, the desiring. Every wrong star in the east we have followed to find happiness leaves us with an ache to seek the living water which wells up from Christ, which will never desert us. Every disappointment can awaken a fresh appointment in the courts of the Lord. Pray right now to meet with the living God.

Indeed, when I think over my little escapes, without K and Baby Z, it's funny how after getting caffeinated, I found myself looking for peace, whether it be in a park, a still sleepy neighborhood, or the words of thanksgiving coming out of the mouth of a South American priest. 

True peace, of course, comes from God, as does wisdom. Yes, and understanding.

God has placed in me a desire for those flights of fancy. A desire to be free of the shackles, to no longer be captive.

Far more important, though, is God has designed me (and you!) with a desire that can only be filled in and through and by Him. Whether I'm flying or grounded, my destination is God.

I think I feel my mood shifting... :-)


Anonymous said...

Much like the ball in the leading picture, life is an amalgam of random experiences that bleed into others. Some colors eclipse others but the contrast allows for a deeper appreciation for both good and bad experiences. There is much beauty and wisdom in your words.!!.
BTW >-- You have a great eye for photography.

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