Friday, September 21, 2012

Circles, Squares & Me

When I sat in that doctor's office over a year and a half ago, being told I should consider terminating my Zoe because I might have a genetic condition that I may pass on to my daughter, I knew deep in my heart, she was- and is- a gift.

I knew that even if some cold, detached doctor did not, could not, would not see her value, she deserved life.

And when she was born, a beautiful, squiggly girl of seven pounds and seven ounces and a long twenty inches, the precious gift I was blessed to carry for thirty-eight weeks entered the world, full of curiosity, attentiveness and hunger.

Zoe Lyne Hope. Zoe means "life". Abundant life.

 The first time I held my precious little Zoe.

The thing is, while I had all the hope in the world for my sweet baby girl, the doctor's advice cut me deeply. Whether she was aware of it or not, she had sent a very clear message. If my daughter should die because she might wind up like me, why should I go on living?

Tough words for me to write, but they were downright terrifying for me to think, believe and finally live. I began to see myself through broken, twisted lens. As my health declined last year, this view quietly took a hold of me, so thoroughly that when I was admitted to the hospital to treat my neurological problems, I felt I was wasting the doctors' and nurses' valuable time. I was squandering our insurance money.

What made me worth helping?

I was on medical leave from work, not bringing in a paycheck.

My FMLA time was up, and my last disability payment from having Zoe had come two months before all this.

In Randian speak, I was a taker, mooching off those who truly count, the makers.

Circles and squares. My thoughts were caught in a seemingly endless loop of boxed in despair and brokenness.

Right after getting the tube used for plasmapheresis (dialysis) removed from my neck. It had been in for 9 days.

Oh, how God works through the broken. Through liars, adulterers, punks, whores, murderers, the blind, and the enslaved.

And in a little squiggly five month old named Zoe.

To some I might be a carrier of deficiency and defects. To others, a huge and unnecessary expense. 

To Zoe, I'm mommy, giver of food, milk, kisses, hugs and baths. 

Giver of Life.

The more I have given to Life, the more purpose I have received.

I chose Life, and she gives life to me.

My first time back at church after being released from the hospital.


Anonymous said...

I am glad to have had the opportunity to be enlightened by your hope. It radiates.

April Byrd said...

Aww so sweet!:)

Don said...

Loved this.

Heartfelt, may God continue to bless you, your husband and daughter.

Alisha De Freitas said...

@April, thank you!

@Don, this was a personal one, close to my heart. Thank you, and may God bless you as well.

Der Herr Alipius said...

Dear Alisha, I came here via Mark Shea and I admire your faith, your hope and your love! May God continue to bless you and little Zoe!

Alisha De Freitas said...

Hi Alipius,

I'm so glad you came by, and am ever so grateful that Mark linked to me. By the time I woke up around a quarter to six, I already had over thirty hits from his blog, which is huge for my little old site... especially since I'm on the East Coast.

Thank you for your kind words. They mean so much. :-)

Anonymous said...

Beautiful. <3 Naomi

Marc said...

You might remember how I gave you some words of encouragement in this matter while you we're pregnant and worried about the possibilities. Those were not my words, they were just spoken by me, from God. I am blessed to be your friend, and in awe of His marvelous works. Great post!

Anonymous said...

God bless you! You and your daughter are SO beautiful! My dh is an incomplete quadriplegic and we have adopted 6 children together, several of whom have disabilities. I wonder if, as the health care debate continues, my children will be considered by the state as deficits, instead of the beautiful images of God that they are.
Keep writing!

Alisha De Freitas said...

@Nai, thanks!

@Marc, yes, you did. You have always given me words of encouragement, and I value them. You probably will never know how much of an impact you've made in my life.

@Mary Alice, wow, wow, wow!!! I'm in awe of you and your hubby and beautiful family. Wow! Tank you for your kind words.

Sadly, I do believe those of us with disability will be viewed as burdens. It frightens and saddens me. It is also a reminder that our true worth comes from God.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Alisha! Your post meant a lot to me today. 10/1 is my daughter, Zoe Celeste's birthday. She has taught us to have a courage like her own boundless spirit.

Theodore M. Seeber said...

You hit the nail on the head with this one. I think one of the worst side-effects of abortion and our economic culture of usury, is the message they send to the living.


Alisha De Freitas said...

@Anon, yay, another Zoe! I like her middle name, too. Sounds so full of joy.

@Theodore, I know you from Mark's blog and NCR as Ted. Can I call you, Ted? Thank you for commenting. That message has been repeatedly sent in our culture, and its emotionally draining and spiritually damaging. As you. Note, EVERY human life is valuable!

Allison said...

Just reading this now Alisha. Beautiful beautiful.

Alisha De Freitas said...

Thank you, Allison! :-)

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