Monday, December 3, 2012

I fight sins not tragedies.

 Joscelyne's Memorial Service

Thursday was Joscelyne's memorial. It was a beautiful service and I guess a good 200 people came out. I didn't cry and I believe a large part of that is due to the presence of those 200.

My former boss, Nancy, and her husband. My heart leaped at seeing her face. She was my boss when I was 19, working part time mentoring freshmen.

Tamara, one of my oldest friends. We use to make mud pies in my backyard when I was 7.

Carly, my friend of 15 years who I hadn't seen for over one.

Robyn, who showed me support just as I did for her when her mom died suddenly four years ago.

Clarissa, who inspires me with her determination, took the lead and arranged for the food for the family attending the repast.

Maria, who's quiet faith reveals a deep trust in the will of God.

There were some who tearfully and repeatedly questioned my emotional state. "How are you?... But *really*, how are you?" I'd reply, "I'm okay. Well, as okay as can be." Some of their faces remained incredulous. I kept thinking of them even when I got home that night. I slipped out of my black dress and poured a glass of wine, which I took to the bedroom. I plopped on my bed and thought over the past year and a half.

 The dress I wore.

I couldn't lie, it had been tough. In June 2011, my mother's house caught on fire, and she wound up in the intensive care unit for two weeks. She then came to stay with us and had a nervous breakdown. By the time I had Zoe at the end of July, I thought I was going to have one. Mom went to stay with Jos when I brought Z home from the hospital, but my worries were far from over since my health soon collapsed and I wound up spending half of December 2011 in the hospital. When things didn't improve, I had to resign my job in the spring of this year, cutting our household income in half, despite the cost of the new addition. My mother never fully recovered and was moved to a nursing home; within months she went from getting around independently with a walker to being bound to a wheelchair. She's only 63. Meanwhile, I have a visiting nurse, a box of IVs and a fridge with meds. Plus, my dad recently had surgery. And then Jos... My brother-in-law is a widower at 28, and my nephew and niece are motherless.

Tough might just be an understatement.

Yet, I realized as I sipped my Moscato, I felt no pity for myself. No woe is me.

My Uncle Curtis delivered the eulogy at the service. He referenced John 9, the story of Jesus healing the blind man. The disciples asked if the man was blind because he had committed some sin- or maybe his parents? Jesus said no, this wasn't the case at all, but that the man was blind so the works of God could be displayed in Him. In other words, bad things can and will happen in our lives through no fault of our own. We live in a fallen world. Yet, through faith in Christ, God works through us.

My resolve has become to respond to life's trials with my eyes set on the light of Christ. It's not easy, of course. Many times, as in this past week, things have appeared so dark. I see as through a mirror dimly.

No tragedy, though. No tale of woe. Just my journey through creation that yearns to be free from decay, against spiritual darkness. May God work through.


Shaun Robertson said...

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

I feel like like you do this with your blog in general. You expose your thoughts, ups and downs, etc. This post is such a testimony to God's "keeping power" - like the church folk would say. Thank you for this! Since you've shared in your weak moments, I think you can go ahead and expect his matchless love, strength, and power to rest on you.
Not a bad trade.

Red Cardigan said...

God bless you, Alisha. Your faith is deeply inspiring. Many prayers continuing for you through Advent.

Don said...

It all seems so surreal, to me, just thinking about it all. And I didn't know Jos on a personal level. So I can imagine how it is for you, Joe, friends, family of your sis. But rest assured the day will arrive where she will be seen again.

I keep thinking about how you stated that you will never be the same again. After reading this post and recalling the strength you've shown throughout everything, I must say, you are stronger than you think Alisha.

Your convicted spirit, it resonates. God bless you and all who've offered encouragement amid heartache.

April Joy said...

You are a woman of beauty. Z is so graced to have a mom who will show her such priceless, lasting, truths. I love you tons.

Jesus-in-the-city said...


Erinda Begeja said...

So sorry for all that you are going through Alisha, but you are strong and wonderful with a great system of support from all sides. Hugs...

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